november november Nothing much has happened today. I helped clean around the house some, and I worked on some art. That was nice. Ouma and I cleaned the stovetop while listening to Penelope Scott's new album. We both enjoyed the music I think, and also cleaning something like an oven is always enjoyable in my opinion. Something that gets really gross, but not in the way that's impossible for me to tackle, but enough to where you can see the difference once its clean? I'm not sure if that was fully coherent. But I really like when stuff like that is properly cleaned. It's nice to look at.
I might work on some more art here in a bit, depending on what I want to do. Also depending on if Ouma doesn't kick me back out to talk to people. I like the people in the server, but I also don't like speaking out loud. Thankfully I think the voice chat has calmed down quite a bit. I think I'm safe today.
Today my inspiration is coming a lot from snakes and eyes. I like how they look. Also using stark colors and color contrast like I have been with only three different colors has been really nice. I didn't really care for the heart one as I was making it but now that it's done I think it might be one of my favorite pieces I've drawn in a while. Though the chasm piece with the weird holes in it is also one of my favorites, and my self portrait isn't too terrible.
The only other thing that I think happened today was eating a caramel apple. That doesn't sound too exciting, and it probably isn't, but I forgot that sometimes apples can make mu gums bleed. I think I need to brush my teeth more. There's a little bit of blood on the apple core and I just find it neat.
Anyways, hopefully I'll write again soon. No one else really finds interest in my website but me, so I don't expect anyone else to really write on here. Maybe Basil, but that's ok he's allowed.
- ☀️
I updated the website! Like enough to where there's multiple pages! It's navigateable, and now my art has it's own space!!! This is super exciting, I'm still learning HTML but I think I'm getting the hang of it. I kinda wanna make different stamps/buttons to navigate the different pages, but honestly I like what I have so far. Plus I think I might make a new divider soon thats smaller but works on the website, like how old geocities sites have the little gif dividers that cross the page. I want to make one of those. But that's a later thing.
Michael says they like my website. They seem nice. I don't know if I've talked to them. They also told me they like my art, which is neat I guess. I like getting compliments on my stuff, obviously, everyone does, but I never know what to do with it. It did make me happy though.
I guess I wrote sooner than I thought haha. Seriously though, I want to keep updating this journal. I think it would be nice. This time for real, write again soon.
- ☀️
Hamlet is fronting right now! He's playing puzzle games though and I'm working on my website so we aren't super paying attention to each other. That's fine though, I'm just happy to see him honestly. I've missed him. I think we are going to a graveyard today, which I'm not the biggest fan of, but someone else will probably end up fronting which will be nice. I'm honestly just happy to be here right now haha. I got to draw a bit so far this morning, and I watched Ouma get overly stressed out about college stuff so he went to go sit in the corner of our headspace. He's just stressed in general right now I think. I am honestly super indifferent to school stuff, I don't really like looking at old test scores, simply because it stresses everyone else out, but it's not really a big deal to me. I think going back to school will be an objectively good thing. But other people are just really stressed about it, to the point where they don't really want to. Ouma doesn't think he's smart enough, which is bullshit. He's really smart, he just hates it when people tell him that. All of his friends were "better" than him in school, so he thinks he's just an idiot compared to them, but you don't need a 4.0 GPA to get into college, let alone COMMUNITY college. He's taking this way to seriously I think. I kinda feel bad for him.
But after I finish writing this entry, I think I'm gonna go harass Hamlet. I really like him. We are also boyfriends. Basil is fine with that, he also thinks Hamlet is cute, he's just nervous. Oh Hamlet just showed me something so fucking weird, it's this weird octopus walking along the ocean floor but it looks like a parachute doing it. Ocean creatures are weird. Anyways. Write again soon.
- ☀️
I'm not doing well all of a sudden. I don't know why.
I should be fine. I should be fine. I had a good day, I went to the cemetery and it was fun. Hamlet cut my hair. I am officially going to school next semester. I should be fine. I should be fine.
I haven't been eating very well. I think that might be part of it. I don't know. I don't know. I am so fucking depressed and I don't know what happened. I'm nothing special. I'm really not. I don't get what he sees in me. No one cares about any of the things I like either. Which isn't even true because my cousin and I just talked about Warriors and it was fine. i dont want to talk about warrior cats. and thats dumb. i cant talk about anything without it being stupid. I feel sick. I don't like this. I don't want to cry. I have to be normal. I have to be normal. I am fine. I am fine because I should be fine.
write soon.
- ☀️
I HATE PROGRAMMING. HTML IS DUMB AND CSS CAN SUCK MY DICK.
- ☀️
I think I'm sick. I haven't updated in a few days because I haven't been feeling too well, but today I think I'm actually sick. Not as bad as Cain. He's like, actually actually sick. He's also eating snacks which is good, he was having a hard time eating the last time I really talked to him. I feel bad too. I think I really worried him last time I saw him, I was seeing things again and it... didn't go well.
I really miss home right now. I wish I could be back with my friends. I wonder how Kel is doing right now. I... I know he technically isn't. There. Or anywhere. But I do miss him, and maybe if I just pretend, he is actually there, back at home, with his new little sister. And Hero is helping out at home more, I guess he would probably be in school still, but Thanksgiving is soon! So that means he would probably come back home soon right? I wish Aubrey was here. She never liked being home. I always felt bad for leaving her, both after.. and now. I really hope she's well. I wish I could call her or just. Anything.
Basil is here though. And that's important. I love him. He's very important to me. We share a headspace now, which is both good and bad. I at least know where he is always and that he's safe. That's very important to me. I wish I could hug him though. That is frustrating. I can always see him but I can't see him, y'know? Ugh. Whatever. I'm lamenting a lot for someone who is in a vaguely better place. It might not always feel like it but... I know things are getting better.
I'm going outside more! I know that's a good thing. It is starting to get darker earlier which is less good though. I hate the dark. I wish the sun could stay up longer. Hamlet always jokes that I'm the opposite of my name, more like an albedo than actual sunshine, and honestly he isn't wrong. But I do still need the sun to reflect light if that's the case. So in that case, it should stay lighter longer.
I think that's all for right now. Today I do want to try and work on CSS stuff, I'm having a really hard time formatting stuff the way I want with the website right now. I keep seeing people with really cool websites and I want my stuff to look like that. I also want to start putting other people's website buttons on my site, especially the people that've been nice to me. I'll get there eventually. I know I will. I'm trying to stay optimistic because this is a hobby I really enjoy. Maybe I'll update the about me, that way people know me and maybe a couple of my headmates more. Though Ouma keeps talking about making a system website for all of us, that way we can all have individual profiles that explain who we are. I don't know if that'll happen though.
Oops, I guess I did have more to say haha. Either way, I'm doing better right now. Not good, not even ok. Just... better. Write again soon.
- ☀️
Hi!!! Um, I'm not Sunny, though he is hanging out here with me in the headspace lol. I'm Basil! It's nice to see all of these people appreciating his website, he's putting a lot of effort into it and idk I'm just very proud of him hehe :)
He's probably gonna properly update his diary later, but I'm here right now and wanted to say hello. We might be going to the craft store and stuff today too which is very exciting :D !! I hope we also get to go to Goodwill. I really want a pair of overalls. This sweater is very cute but it's for sure more Sunny's style. He's very cute and I love him. He's currently trying to get the font to change on here, and it is frustrating him quite a bit. But honestly I think hes close to getting it. I'm just happy he has hobbies honestly. I'm not sure if I'll write here again or very much, but it is nice to invade hehe. I don't think he'll mind.
Lots of love!
- 🌻
Hi, it's been a minute haha. A lot has happened honestly. I got super sick for a couple days to the point I couldn't get out of bed, but now I'm feeling a lot better. Komaeda has been fronting for most of the week, I just haven't really been around. But that's fine honestly, I wasn't doing very well the last time I was fronting. But now I'm feeling a bit more normal. It looks like Basil wrote for me on the 15th haha. I love him. He's very sweet.
I want to try and update some stuff today, I want to add more stamps and blinkies and buttons and stuff, we will see if that happens though. We are all really busy today. We are doing a second Thanksgiving because we are a merged family right now, so we are making a whole bunch of food and stuff today. It's going to be very very busy. That's ok though I guess, I probably won't stick around. I really want to get my font to work though!! I haven't gotten it to work yet which is frustrating, but I know I can do it. I'm getting better at HTML and CSS. I know I can do this.
I also want to make a shrine page, probably to Wii games or something or some kind of video game. I really like Pokemon, so I might do that. I don't really know yet, but this website is mine and I can do whatever I want to it.
There's also a lot of new people following me and seeing this place.. that is so strange. It is nice to meet you all I suppose! I might add a couple of you guys' buttons, especially if you've been particularly nice to me haha. I haven't written too much today because I haven't totally been around, but I think I'm gonna end this entry here.
Write again soon.
- ☀️
Holy shit I've updated this website so much. The homepage is finally somewhat to my liking, there's TABS. THERE'S SO MANY PAGES. WHAT HAPPENED!!!! Yesterday I feel like I went insane and just started creating things left and right or just not really putting the website down until I liked what was happening with it. It might not feel like much to everyone else but jeez it sure feels like a lot happened to me. The font is working, I have an email so people can email me, I have a guest book!!!! If you're reading this by the way, you should go sign it right now. I have to thank everyone who has been so kind to me the last couple weeks/days and has helped me out with things. I want to add more neighbor buttons to my website too, so if you have a button click the email me blinkie on the homepage and send me the button!! Agh. Seriously thank you thank you thank you all this has been a really fun project to work on, and I didn't even know if anyone would see it. It originally started out as just a place to put all my art haha. Now it feels like the art is a secondary goal. I want to keep getting better at this. I'm determined to even. So once again, thank you all so very much for your help and support.
I will write again soon, I know it.
- ☀️
december New month, new pages. I think I'm going to make a new diary set up.. probably have it separated by months. It wouldn't be too hard, and I don't know it might be nice. I have been adding a lot of stuff to my site in general the past few days, just not really updating my diary. I'm super tired right now though, and falling into a really bad block :/. I really really want to do more to the site, I've made a bunch of fun buttons and stuff and I made new art the other day. I like how the buttons turned out, especially the basil and the beanie baby one. I'm really excited about the snake shrine too, I love snakes if it wasn't obvious haha.
I want to keep working. I'm worried about losing motivation. I like wanting things, so im really hoping that this keeps up y'know. I think I'm just overly stressing myself out.. ugh. I've been kinda on a downward depressive spike. Which makes sense since I just had a bad manic episode. I think I might have BPD. That's not important. Or the point. It might be the point of this paragraph though. I have a therapy appointment on thursday, and I am dreading it. I have to act like it's fine because everyone keeps telling me it's fine and good and I have expressed want for this in the past, but I didn't. And I know it'll be fine I know it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine but I don't want to. I don't think it'll help.
I might just be overreacting and dramatic but I genuinely think I'm not capable of being helped. I genuinely do think I'm too far gone. I flip moods so rapidly and am so touchy and just. Mentally ill. I am way too mentally ill. And I have to be faking it. It doesn't feel like it, but god. I know thats what they would say. I know it.
I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I want to go to sleep. I don't get why I'm so tired. I am exhausted though. I might go to bed soon, even though it's still early in the night. I just feel like I haven't done much. Thursday is going to be rough for me I think. If I'm fronting I'll try to update my diary. I promise I'll write soon.
- ☀️
I don't think I like the therapist. I'm giving it more of a chance because technically I wasn't the one there, I think Kano was fronting, but i dont think I like him. I guess I am just having a hard time wanting to do therapy. I'm determined to be the one fronting next week, because the juxtaposition between us is... a lot. I don't talk for starters.
I don't think I've talked about this here but I'm selectively mute. It's.. frustrating at times especially when I know I should be able to talk, but isn't that the whole thing? I hate it. I can talk to some people, Hamlet specifically. I like him though. I can sometimes talk to Shuichi, becasue again I like him, but most other people I just completely shut down. I think that would happen if I was sat in a room with a therapist I think I would make him uncomfortable and make him not understand me even more. It's so annoying. I reaaally don't think I like him, but like I just met him I guess. It's stupid. This is stupid.
Kano and Ouma have similar reactions to situations, they get more show-y and dramatic about everything. They're both loud and super talkative, and oh my god so dramatic. Something something clown behavior. Kano being a class clown and Ouma just being a weird jester. Bluh. I hate this. I'm going back next week.
I'm sleepy again. I have stuff happening tonight but I'm really tired. I want to take a nap, but I don't think I'll have time. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I'm very whiny today :/. I'll hopefully be more normal soon. I need a nap I think. I'll write soon enough.
- ☀️
I have been playing Stardew Valley nonstop for like. 4 days now. I love Stardew Valley. I love farming games. I am going to marry Sebastian.
I'm trying to think about what else happened.. I'm making a new fun thing on my fun tab, it's going to be an interactive comic, like a choose your own adventure type thing. I'm honestly quite excited about it. I like how it looks so far. If you're curious, it's the last button on the fun page by the shrines, but only two pages have been made so far. Don't count on consistant updates to it right now, I've been super busy with my farm.
I have to clean today I think. The room is a mess, and I haven't been doing enough to help with it I think. I do think I won the dishwasher competition though, so that's nice. No dishes until two weeks from now.
I'm stressed out. What else is new. I had a bad anxiety attack last night, but I don't want to get into that because I don't even remember what it was about. I keep having blips in my memory, which sucks. I've always had that problem though. Ugh. Whatever. I have farming game.
Trying to think what I'm going to eat for lunch... I haven't eaten yet today and I think I probably should. I'm hungry which is a good thing. I don't know. I think I'll leave this entry here.
As always, write soon.
- ☀️
I really fucked up and I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do I want everything to be ok and I know it's my fault and I don't know if i can fix it. I want to try. I want to try. I don't want to run away. But what if I make it so much worse. I'm going to. I know I am. I can't fix anything I don't know if I can do this I fucked up and I'm scared I'll do it again. I keep flipping between freaking the fuck out and extremely, upsettingly manic. I don't know what to do. I have to fix this I'm trying to fix this but god I don't know if I can. I bought chocolate and mochis, so hopefully that helps. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
- ☀️
It's the end of the year. Probably the last time I'll update my diary before the end of 2023. I. I hope next year is better. This has been a really bad year, and I've really only been around for like half of it. But I have my own space now. And people see me for me. I like that a lot. I really fucked up the other day- it's been like 10 days I guess. I'm really trying to make things better, and I think I am with Hamlet at least, but I feel like everyone else is mad at me I feel like everyone is just so angry at me and I can't fix it and I will never fix it. I feel like running away would be easier, but that isn't fair. That isn't fair to anyone. I am trying to own up to everything I know I'm at fault I know I know I know. I'm just so scared of losing everyone. I feel like that would be so much easier though. I don't think Hamlet wants to leave me alone, which I am happy about it's just.. he should want to leave me alone. I feel like I really hurt him. I apologized but I pretty much bribed him to be less upset with chocolate. I'm just. So stressed out. I'm so, ridiculously, unbelievably stressed out all the time. I do really love him though.
I have therapy in like, half an hour. I won't be the one participating probably. It's most likely going to be Komaeda. That's fine. I wouldn't get anything done because I don't fucking talk to anyone but myself. Like god forbid I actually say words and start a conversation. I am so sick of not being able to talk unless I'm heavily masking infront of people I have to mask infront of, or if I'm near like one fucking person ever. I can only talk to Hamlet and Basil. But talking to Basil now is just talking to my fucking self. I hate this. I don't like the therapist anyways. Other people are mixed about him. I don't care. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't even want to fucking be here.
I feel like everyone is expecting me to run away, but that's kind of hard when I keep getting stuck fronting with no help!! I can't fucking help it and NO ONE LIKES ME ANYWAYS. SO WHY WOULD THEY HELP. I don't like being here I don't like fronting I don't like leaving the house I should just fucking stay inside and rot forever because that is all I'm fucking good for. Just keep working on my laptop and projects and ignore everything around me until I waste away into nothing. There isn't any fucking point. I'm going to keep fucking up forever and ever and nothing fucking matters. I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I don't care if I "don't have to" or have been doing a bad job at it because I fucking know that and it's a lie. I also know I suck at it. I've always sucked at it. I don't know how to fucking do it. I don't know why I keep fucking everything up. I keep fucking everything up. I don't want to be here. I hate being here. I hate this. I hate this I hate all of this I don't want to fucking be here ever. Everyone should hate me. I don't think anyone should like me. Or want to be around me. I don't think that's good. And nothing is going to fucking fix me. No amount of fucking therapy or whatever will fix me. There is no point.
I want to go home. That's impossible. I want to go home. At least there no one cares about me. At least there I can just rot away in my room, and no one has to look at me. Nothing matters anyway.
Whatever. Nothing can be done. Write soon I guess. Happy new year.
- ☀️
