december december New month, new pages. I think I'm going to make a new diary set up.. probably have it separated by months. It wouldn't be too hard, and I don't know it might be nice. I have been adding a lot of stuff to my site in general the past few days, just not really updating my diary. I'm super tired right now though, and falling into a really bad block :/. I really really want to do more to the site, I've made a bunch of fun buttons and stuff and I made new art the other day. I like how the buttons turned out, especially the basil and the beanie baby one. I'm really excited about the snake shrine too, I love snakes if it wasn't obvious haha.
I want to keep working. I'm worried about losing motivation. I like wanting things, so im really hoping that this keeps up y'know. I think I'm just overly stressing myself out.. ugh. I've been kinda on a downward depressive spike. Which makes sense since I just had a bad manic episode. I think I might have BPD. That's not important. Or the point. It might be the point of this paragraph though. I have a therapy appointment on thursday, and I am dreading it. I have to act like it's fine because everyone keeps telling me it's fine and good and I have expressed want for this in the past, but I didn't. And I know it'll be fine I know it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine but I don't want to. I don't think it'll help.
I might just be overreacting and dramatic but I genuinely think I'm not capable of being helped. I genuinely do think I'm too far gone. I flip moods so rapidly and am so touchy and just. Mentally ill. I am way too mentally ill. And I have to be faking it. It doesn't feel like it, but god. I know thats what they would say. I know it.
I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I want to go to sleep. I don't get why I'm so tired. I am exhausted though. I might go to bed soon, even though it's still early in the night. I just feel like I haven't done much. Thursday is going to be rough for me I think. If I'm fronting I'll try to update my diary. I promise I'll write soon.
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I don't think I like the therapist. I'm giving it more of a chance because technically I wasn't the one there, I think Kano was fronting, but i dont think I like him. I guess I am just having a hard time wanting to do therapy. I'm determined to be the one fronting next week, because the juxtaposition between us is... a lot. I don't talk for starters.
I don't think I've talked about this here but I'm selectively mute. It's.. frustrating at times especially when I know I should be able to talk, but isn't that the whole thing? I hate it. I can talk to some people, Hamlet specifically. I like him though. I can sometimes talk to Shuichi, becasue again I like him, but most other people I just completely shut down. I think that would happen if I was sat in a room with a therapist I think I would make him uncomfortable and make him not understand me even more. It's so annoying. I reaaally don't think I like him, but like I just met him I guess. It's stupid. This is stupid.
Kano and Ouma have similar reactions to situations, they get more show-y and dramatic about everything. They're both loud and super talkative, and oh my god so dramatic. Something something clown behavior. Kano being a class clown and Ouma just being a weird jester. Bluh. I hate this. I'm going back next week.
I'm sleepy again. I have stuff happening tonight but I'm really tired. I want to take a nap, but I don't think I'll have time. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I'm very whiny today :/. I'll hopefully be more normal soon. I need a nap I think. I'll write soon enough.
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I have been playing Stardew Valley nonstop for like. 4 days now. I love Stardew Valley. I love farming games. I am going to marry Sebastian.
I'm trying to think about what else happened.. I'm making a new fun thing on my fun tab, it's going to be an interactive comic, like a choose your own adventure type thing. I'm honestly quite excited about it. I like how it looks so far. If you're curious, it's the last button on the fun page by the shrines, but only two pages have been made so far. Don't count on consistant updates to it right now, I've been super busy with my farm.
I have to clean today I think. The room is a mess, and I haven't been doing enough to help with it I think. I do think I won the dishwasher competition though, so that's nice. No dishes until two weeks from now.
I'm stressed out. What else is new. I had a bad anxiety attack last night, but I don't want to get into that because I don't even remember what it was about. I keep having blips in my memory, which sucks. I've always had that problem though. Ugh. Whatever. I have farming game.
Trying to think what I'm going to eat for lunch... I haven't eaten yet today and I think I probably should. I'm hungry which is a good thing. I don't know. I think I'll leave this entry here.
As always, write soon.
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I really fucked up and I am freaking out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do I want everything to be ok and I know it's my fault and I don't know if i can fix it. I want to try. I want to try. I don't want to run away. But what if I make it so much worse. I'm going to. I know I am. I can't fix anything I don't know if I can do this I fucked up and I'm scared I'll do it again. I keep flipping between freaking the fuck out and extremely, upsettingly manic. I don't know what to do. I have to fix this I'm trying to fix this but god I don't know if I can. I bought chocolate and mochis, so hopefully that helps. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
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It's the end of the year. Probably the last time I'll update my diary before the end of 2023. I. I hope next year is better. This has been a really bad year, and I've really only been around for like half of it. But I have my own space now. And people see me for me. I like that a lot. I really fucked up the other day- it's been like 10 days I guess. I'm really trying to make things better, and I think I am with Hamlet at least, but I feel like everyone else is mad at me I feel like everyone is just so angry at me and I can't fix it and I will never fix it. I feel like running away would be easier, but that isn't fair. That isn't fair to anyone. I am trying to own up to everything I know I'm at fault I know I know I know. I'm just so scared of losing everyone. I feel like that would be so much easier though. I don't think Hamlet wants to leave me alone, which I am happy about it's just.. he should want to leave me alone. I feel like I really hurt him. I apologized but I pretty much bribed him to be less upset with chocolate. I'm just. So stressed out. I'm so, ridiculously, unbelievably stressed out all the time. I do really love him though.
I have therapy in like, half an hour. I won't be the one participating probably. It's most likely going to be Komaeda. That's fine. I wouldn't get anything done because I don't fucking talk to anyone but myself. Like god forbid I actually say words and start a conversation. I am so sick of not being able to talk unless I'm heavily masking infront of people I have to mask infront of, or if I'm near like one fucking person ever. I can only talk to Hamlet and Basil. But talking to Basil now is just talking to my fucking self. I hate this. I don't like the therapist anyways. Other people are mixed about him. I don't care. I don't want to go to therapy. I don't even want to fucking be here.
I feel like everyone is expecting me to run away, but that's kind of hard when I keep getting stuck fronting with no help!! I can't fucking help it and NO ONE LIKES ME ANYWAYS. SO WHY WOULD THEY HELP. I don't like being here I don't like fronting I don't like leaving the house I should just fucking stay inside and rot forever because that is all I'm fucking good for. Just keep working on my laptop and projects and ignore everything around me until I waste away into nothing. There isn't any fucking point. I'm going to keep fucking up forever and ever and nothing fucking matters. I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I don't care if I "don't have to" or have been doing a bad job at it because I fucking know that and it's a lie. I also know I suck at it. I've always sucked at it. I don't know how to fucking do it. I don't know why I keep fucking everything up. I keep fucking everything up. I don't want to be here. I hate being here. I hate this. I hate this I hate all of this I don't want to fucking be here ever. Everyone should hate me. I don't think anyone should like me. Or want to be around me. I don't think that's good. And nothing is going to fucking fix me. No amount of fucking therapy or whatever will fix me. There is no point.
I want to go home. That's impossible. I want to go home. At least there no one cares about me. At least there I can just rot away in my room, and no one has to look at me. Nothing matters anyway.
Whatever. Nothing can be done. Write soon I guess. Happy new year.
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