january
January 3rd, 2024
Happy new year, I've been featured on federiefederi's website. So that's pretty awesome I think. I think I'm doing a little bit better than I was last week, but I did get really sick yesterday which kind of sucked. I also literally just had covid like a week and a half ago, so getting a bad stomach bug yesterday was Not Fun. But I am feeling better today!! And I'm trying to go into the new year with good energy (but we'll see how long that lasts lol).
I started a couple new pages on here last week too during my big updating spree, I now have a snake ranking page which I'm super excited about! I have two snakes ranked on there currently, and a couple in the queue that I need to draw. But I've been making my own stamps for the page too which is super fun :)!!!
I'm not really sure what else has been happening. So much Christmas. Like infinite Christmas. I think we did the last gift exchange of the season last night but there was so much gift giving and holiday stuff it was kind of ridiculous. But that's ok, I had fun with it. I also got a PS2 and Persona 3 FES so I've been playing that like crazy!! I played I think a third of it with an emulator before I had to kill my old laptop, so it's nice to have a working Playstation to properly play the game with. Also the box is so cool. It came with the game manual which I wasn't expecting, and just having the physical game is so exciting. I also can play DDR at home on a console, which is also very fun.
I think that is everything I care to talk about. I will write soon. I am feeling a bit better than I have, and want to keep using this energy towards this website, because I really like working on it. It's been a fun project, and I hope you all see more of me in 2024 (that does not feel like a real year. what the hell).
- ☀️
January 17th, 2024
I have to write this quick because I have to leave the house soon, but sorry for the gap in updates! I haven't been fronting very much the past few weeks and also it's just been pretty busy overall. But today we are starting college. Which is weird, and making me want to front a lot less. I still want to update consistantly it just might not be very big updates I guess.
I have some new graphics and stuff I'm using though, which is nice. And my snake collection is going super well. I hope to update that again soon, I already have two more snakes drawn for it, I just need to write about them haha.
Sorry for the small updates and short entries, but hopefully I'll be back to work on this soon.
Write more soon!
- ☀️
January 23rd, 2024
I need a fish tank. I want a fish tank so bad I want to fill it with cherry shrimp and a snail. I am getting super into aquarium youtubers and I so badly want to get a fish tank to put stuff in. I actually drew me standing in front of a fish tank. I am going crazy. I keep watching these videos and I think I could take care of shrimp super well. I have taken care of a lizard and a toad before, and they both lived their full lives. I think snails are super cute too, and would want one for my tank I also would want to start small, with a like 10 gallon tank or maybe something smaller to just put some shrimp in and a little snail. Real plants, I like hornwort a lot, it's really pretty. Also like a good sized rock or something to put in the tank, but I have a bunch of those already. One day I also want to get an axolotl, or maybe a different lizardy amphibian, but man. I really want a shrimp tank. I really really want a shrimp tank.
Things have been busy lately, school, more chores, lots of. Events I guess. I haven't been fronting as much the past week or so. Which honestly is fine by me. I really hate leaving the house. We are doing therapy though, and some people like the therapist more than me, I just. Again. Don't like leaving the house or talking to people. I am getting a bit better at talking at all though, which is good. I have been able to mask a lot better.
Currently I am hungry. There isn't a lot of food in the house that isn't like. For cooking. I'm also notoriously picky, which doesn't help. I've been thinking about fish a lot. Both keeping them as pets and also eating fish. I want to eat fish so bad. I pirated an aquarium game so I could just have some dopamine with fish.
We've also been playing a lot of Persona 3 FES. Like. A lot. It keeps getting really frustrating because we keep dying (which frustrates some people more than others), but it's been fun to play. We are almost caught up to where we were when all of our progress was lost, which is nice.
I also want to do a big revamp of the assets I made for this website. I want to kill that stupid home button, I'm gonna make a smaller one that just. Looks better. Or maybe just have a bar on all the pages like I do on my homepage. That might look better. I have been updating my snake shrine a lot though, so please check that out if you haven't.
I think that's everything I want to talk about. I'll write soon I guess.
- ☀️
January 31st, 2024
I. I don't know. I'm doing bad again. Which sucks. I feel like I go back and forth so frequently, one day I'm perfectly fine, happy even, and then everything falls apart the next day. And all the sudden I'm depressed for a week and cry off and on and can't bring myself to do anything. We went to the arcade for a little bit today. There wasn't really anything to do after we got out of class, and some people up here really wanted to go exercise and play DDR. I like DDR, but I can also just play it at home. I really only want to go out to play it at the better arcade with the DDR A machine, and also with Hamlet. And not after a mind numbing class.
I kinda just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. It just feels. Useless. Everything. Nothing sounds fun, nothing sounds exciting, nothing fucking matters. We played Undertale Yellow today. That was fun. Very good game. Made us cry.
I want to feel something. I want to stop being sad all the time. I want motivation to do things again. We went to class today. I do not like my professor. Or just the class in general. It's a reason to leave the house I guess, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything. I'm super understimulated with all of this I think, and I have to write an essay by friday.
I really don't want to be here. I'm starting to be passively, no. I think I'm actively suicidal again. I've been passive about it. The voices keep getting louder though. I don't know how to talk about it. I should be fine. I really should. There's nothing wrong with me. I am fine. I should be fine. I.. I'm really tired.
I'm just really tired. I don't know what to do.
I don't really have a passion right now. I'm trying to force myself to front more, at least I have this website. Other people don't have anything. I'm lucky.
I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better then.
Write soon, and happy early February.
- ☀️
february
Long time no see huh.
Sorry it's been so long since I've updated, I mean we are a week away from the end of February and this is my first entry this month haha. It's... not been fantastic. The host and a handful of other people in the system have been going through a massive depressive dip, and things at home feel so stacked against us right now it's suffocating. I haven't been fronting, like, at all. But I'm a little awake now, which is not terrible. Especially because I want to update my website. Put everything that's happened this month on here lol.
School is bad. The class is too easy and uncomfortably quiet. I think part of the reason I haven't been fronting lately is because I don't like leaving the house, so it doesn't help that the leaving the house is always terrible. Art history is supposed to be kinda interesting though isn't it?? I don't get it. I don't like the class at all.
Therapy is happening still. I know some people have visibly shifted in during a session, which has never been good. And the weight of the world feels like it's on all of us right now and it's making us crazy. I've been sick a couple times this month, probably out of stress honestly. It just hasn't been great.
But in some good news, I got a small fish tank!! It has a golden mystery snail, and two bright red cherry shrimp in it. I think the snail's name is Banana, and the shrimp don't have permenant names yet, but I like the idea of naming them Strawberry and Milkshake so I have a Strawberry Banana Milkshake haha. I think there were two tiny stowaway snails in the pearlweed too, so make that three snails (toppings for the milkshake maybe?) but they aren't as noticable lol. They're really nice to watch honestly, I am really happy about the tank.
There's a convention at the beginning of March that people are excited for, it's the favorite one of the year too so people are getting REALLY excited. We are also vending at another con coming up soon, which is exciting for those who like leaving the house lol. My art is being turned into postcard prints which, I'm not totally against but it feels weird that people might buy my art y'know.
I don't know how much I'll be fronting in the future, but I do genuinely want to get back to updating the site and making it look better. Thank you all for sticking around with me for so long, I really like the community on this website in general.
Blugh. Write soon, hopefully see you all next month. Happy late Valentine's Day
-☀️
april
April 9th, 2024
Yes I am alive, no I did not stop updating my site.
It's been quite possibly the busiest past few months of my entire life. I started school again, I got a job, I've travelled, I vended at a convention... it's been so much. I haven't been fronting much either, so I guess when I say I did these things, it was technically the host. The host also, in his words, "whored me out for my art" and sold one of my pieces at the convention, and it sold a couple copies. I didn't really agree but I'm not complaining too much I guess, I mean people apparently like my art..?
The point is, it's been busy and I haven't really had time to update my site. Especially because I haven't exactly been around. I don't exactly like. Doing things. As I'm sure I've stated before haha. I like staying indoors and not talking to people, though my job is kinda nice I still don't exactly enjoy leaving the house to do it. We work at an arcade now, a really cool one. It's a cabinet arcade/rhythm game heaven. It's a small business, and it's trying to cater to a specific audience of teens and adults who don't drink but don't want to go to Chuck E Cheese or Dave and Busters. It's really nice actually, I know other people in the system really really love the job, especially the host. This is the first time we've collectively enjoyed working somewhere so that's pretty cool I think. I'm finally sitting down to draw which is also nice. I haven't gotten to work on my own art in too long. I might work on editing the art tab in a bit here too because I want it to show off the new stuff as opposed to just having to scroll through it all. I guess it is an archive at it's core, but I should honestly start dating when I finish the stuff because I want to be able to remember it. Maybe I'll even add commentary about each piece like a pretentious prick lol.
Hopefully, expect more updates soon. I want to do more to my website, I want to make a dedicated page for my neighbors, I want to be active again. I miss this space, and I miss everyone who's supported me.
Thank you to everyone who's stuck around. I'll at least write soon.
-☀️
April 14th, 2024
Hi again. I finished an essay.
I hate school so much it is unbelieveable. I don't want to be in college anymore. I plan on not being in college after this semester. That's really all that is new in my life. I have some new art to upload, I'll try and remember to do that eventually.
Hope everyone is well.
-☀️
may
May 3rd, 2024
I got sick. Not quite better yet.
I thought I would have updated more before May came around, it's getting closer and closer to this websites anniversary. That's so weird. It's officially been a year since I split from the host too. Also really really weird it's been that long. But I'm still here I guess. Still quiet and still building a website.
The host is talking about system things a lot more in therapy and it is very stressful for him and also me. The therapist asked if the host wanted to show him my website. I did not want that. Not even a little bit. No one needs to see this place except for people who don't know the host and very Very specific exceptions. I want to be seen as me here, not as someone else.
What else. I am still sick. It sucks ass. School sucks ass. Everything sucks ass. My job is fine though. Good even.
I want to draw. I think that's it.
Write soon.
- ☀️
july
July 8th, 2024
I am so angry and tired. I hate living here I hate this stupid house I hate everything about it and nothing is going to make it better. I don't like dogs. I can tolerate them, I can tolerate a lot, but now my and and foot hurt because I got badly bitten by the dog that no one gives a shit about but me. I hate that he is all alone and no one pays attention to him I hate that hes restricted to a not very large area I hate how he's treated and yet I can't even do anything about it because he's untrained and doesn't know what to do with himself. I'm so tired of this. I want to just sleep. I hate living here I hate it so fucking much nothing is my choice and I can't stand it.
I just want to go to sleep forever. I don't even care anymore. I'm so close to apathy and I honestly would prefer to be back at that point but there's just so much that is making me so unbelievably angry I just don't know what to do. I am so tired all the time I hate having emotions.
I miss Hamlet. I haven't seen him in a while. He is probably also doing bad. I just want to hold him or him to hold me or something. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry I've been so inconsistent with updating. I'm going to try and get better at it I promise but I also just haven't been fronting and everything happening where I live is just terrible. I wish I could just be alone and not care. I just want to be left alone.
I guess I can't promise to update soon, but I'll try my best to at least write or draw or something.
- ☀️
July 10th, 2024
I don't want to leave my room. I don't really have any reason to beyond finding something to eat and using the bathroom. I'm just really really tired.
I'm going to try and draw today. Maybe update my website some more. I don't know. I'm just really tired.
- ☀️
